


Thirty-One

by PogoGogoMojoJojo (Give_me_socks)



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Birthday, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Party, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, F/F, F/M, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, M/M, Minor Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Normal Life, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Slice of Life, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26759230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Give_me_socks/pseuds/PogoGogoMojoJojo
Summary: "I reserve the right to leave if I hate it” Five insistedORThe Hargreeves clan celebrate their birthday.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Original Character(s), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57





	1. Countdown

October 1st, 2020 was a Thursday. That hadn’t stopped Klaus from finding a club that was open until 6am to celebrate their “thirty-first” birthday.

Technically, Luther should have chosen the venue. When they’d first agreed (“in-principle, I reserve the right to leave if I hate it” Five had insisted) to celebrate their shared birthday together, they had spent a long time arguing over the fairest way to plan an event. The compromise eventually made was that they would do a Secret-Santa style present thing in the morning (“I don’t wake up before eleven- for anyone!” Klaus had insisted) and then one sibling chose the main activity for that year. No complaining would be allowed from the other six and they would go through in number order, starting with Number One.

With the higher numbers being Vanya, Ben and Five, this way caused the least argument. Vanya was so happy to finally be an equal part of the family she would have done anything, Ben’s being dead limited the activities he could participate in and Five liked to act as if his years in a post-apocalyptic wasteland left him above such trivialities. The problem was Klaus. Stuck in the middle, three years down the line whether they went ascending or descending, Number Four considered it a personal affront that he wasn’t left in charge every year.  
“I am the fucking party!” He had repeated over and over until he saw it wasn’t going to get him anywhere. “Come on guys! With my history, I might not make it to thirty-four, lemme go sooner!”

In the end he managed to get his way by striking a bargain with Luther: all of Klaus’ leftovers, second helpings and snacks in exchange for the first slot. It wasn’t a particularly good deal for Luther, but he did always get distracted when it came to his stomach. It only took slightly too few slices of pecan pie at family dinner one week to convince him to cave and accept Klaus’ offer.

So Klaus’ choice it had been- and it was to the surprise of exactly no one that they found themselves clambering out an Uber at 11pm and into a gay bar. Well, a “LGBTQ+ super club and premier live entertainment venue” according to the promoter.

* * *

A few days before their birthday Klaus realized there was a problem with his choice of venue. He’d found most of his siblings in the downstairs kitchen, Alison had put the kettle on. Rounding the corner of the table Klaus fell to his knees to ask Five’s forgiveness. The gesture wasn’t entirely sincere, more a way of bypassing his discomfort at apologizing for anything, but he did feel bad that he’d overlooked his older/younger brother’s image problem. Excuses flowed like the coffee Five was pouring with a sardonic expression as he listened.

“I’m so sorry Five. I’ve had to go for a legit place to, you know, limit the amount of “temptation” people will be passing around in the toilets. They’ll definitely ID and I can’t see them believing us about your situation”

“So I can’t come? That is unfortunate, what a cruel turn of events” Five’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Please, try and enjoy yourselves without me, it’s the only way I’ll cope with this crushing blow”

“I could rumor the doorman?” Allison offered.

“Ooooooh!” Klaus looked genuinely excited at the prospect of a daring caper being added into his itinerary. Five flashed Allison his biggest “fuck you” smile, before dashing his hopes.

“I couldn’t possibly accept” When Klaus made to interrupt he put his finger to his lips like he was shushing a child, “my body may be too young for a club, but my mind is too old for it. Honestly, I couldn’t think of anything worse. I’ll celebrate with you until you head out, then there’s some reading I’ve been meaning to do”

That wasn’t in the spirit of the joint family birthday, but Five’s smooth face did light up with genuine pleasure when talking about books that the outside world never seemed to inspire. Klaus still wanted to find a loophole, but he was so happy no one had called him a selfish prick for coming up with an idea that excluded Five that he didn’t want to upset the equilibrium by pushing.

“Have it your way old man!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels unfinished, but I was impatient to get on with posting the rest of the story so there may be some edits down the line.


	2. Gift Exchange: 1,2,3,4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hargreeves have never been that good at showing how much they care, but giving the perfect gift is a more comfortable love language for our repressed siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is mostly cannon compliant and set after the future resolution of the sparrow academy plotline. Slight divergence because Ben is Back!

It was just about still morning on October 1st when Klaus carried his waffles into the drawing room to combine his birthday brunch with their gift exchange. He wasn’t quite the last into the room. Diego had been one of the first downstairs in the early hours, but once everyone (everyone except Klaus) had eaten and he’d cleared up after breakfast, he’d gotten bored of waiting and gone for a run. His hair was still a little damp from showering down after as he followed Klaus into the central hub of The Umbrella Academy. The shared wall between their childhood rooms let him know through various loud clatters and huffs that Klaus was nearly ready, but trying not to look overeager he’d waited until Klaus had finally left to head into the hallway and follow him upstairs.

The room they entered had changed so gradually that none of the Hargreeves could say for sure when it started to feel like a living space rather than a cold antechamber for serious discussions. The sofa had been turned completely around so that it faced the comfier armchairs the children had never been allowed to sit on. It was probably done for a practical reason once but it never went back- it was cozier this way. The other two chairs had also made their way to the close circle at the fireplace. At some point someone, presumably Luther although he had never commented on it, had taken the portrait of Reginald Hargreeves down from over the mantelpiece. The room felt easier to breath in after that and, cautiously at first, they had started spending less time in the basement kitchen and more in the house proper. Now, as Klaus took his place on the end of the couch and dropped his legs over the end letting his bare feet dangle it wasn’t an act of defiance, just of comfort. Diego took the final empty seat, the high-backed brown leather chair. The first few times he had sat on his father’s throne it had given him a rush, now he was too busy enjoying the easy conversation flowing around him to even register why this seat had been the last available.

At the center of the rug was a small pile of presents, placed in secret overnight. Unable to break the habit of a lifetime, Number One reached out an grabbed the parcel addressed to him first. Although he couldn’t see him, Ben was perched barely half a yard away on the arm of the couch staring eagerly, waiting to see what reaction his gift inspired. Klaus laughed, he wondered briefly about conjuring Ben so the everyone could see the joy on his face but that would give away who’d he’d bought for. And besides, Klaus was still eating. Luther’s fingers made quick but not elegant work of the wrapping paper and held up the two shirts inside.

“It’s smart thermal technology!” Ben shouted, not caring that Luther couldn’t hear him or that he shouldn’t be revealing it was from him if he could. “Even though the material is thick and they’re long-sleeved you won’t overheat” Ben’s excitement was bubbling over. Some days Klaus still felt numb, other days he got to take a shopping trip with Ben and share his excitement at being manifested long enough to buy a gift for his lumbering brother. He loved those days. They had both looked extremely out of place in “King & Thunder,” skinny boys exploring aisles widely spaced for body builders and basketball players. Ben was delighted when people stared at him, noticed his small frame, saw that he couldn’t be shopping for himself. Klaus had had to hand over the credit card but Ben exhausted the store assistant by talking about what his self-conscious brother would feel confident in, the returns policy if they had the wrong size and the best designs. They had walked out with a smart dress shirt with a tiny moon detail on the pocket, a more casual brown option and a smile on Ben’s face that outshone the sun.

Luther was running his fingers through the material, noticing that it was thick enough to keep his fur contained without the overcoat. He smiled at the group, not knowing his benefactor was inches from his face, unseen. “Thank you, I’ll try them on in a bit”

Diego followed next. His present was in a brown USPS envelope which had been decorated with crayon doodles of knives and gift boxes. He used his smallest blade, the one he kept strapped to his chest, as a letter opener and split along the edge of the envelope. Turning it on its end a single sheet of paper which had been folded in thirds slid out. Diego fanned out the page and read the printed information, letting out an amused snort when he understood.

“An annual subscription to Kink.com? Thank you Klaus”

Waffle crumbs sprayed over the floor as Klaus’ indignantly replied. “Hey! It’s _secret_ birthday Santa, you’re not allowed to guess who it’s from until everyone has gone!”

“Oh right, I’m sorry. Thank you to whoever got me such a thoughtful and not at all weird gift, it could be any one of you” Klaus shovelled the last of the syrup coated waffle into his mouth and grinned as widely as he could, chewed up pastry visible. Vanya wrinkled her nose in disgust. Diego complained, not for the first time, about his lack of house-training but the insult had no real bitterness behind it.

When Allison opened a beautiful set of platinum earrings that were _definitely_ over the budget there was no doubt that Luther had managed to end up with her name. The only question was whether he’d drawn her fair and square. Suddenly his deal with Klaus seemed more suspicious. Luther refused to meet anyone’s eyes and coughed awkwardly as Allison cooed about how beautiful they were. She swapped her simple studs out immediately, the more intricate design shimmering against her skin made her look every bit the glamourous movie star, even curled on the floor in jeans and a sweater. She had gone back to wearing her hair in a more natural style, but she didn’t dye it these days, and the effect was that she looked almost timeless. The jewellery fit her new image perfectly and she couldn’t help but think to herself that Luther’s taste had changed as dramatically as everything else had since he’d saved his allowance to buy her a golden heart shaped locket.

Klaus had expected to receive either a joke gift or something boring and time consuming that was designed to help with his attempts at sobriety. He didn’t really know what to say when he lifted a large glitter-frosted silver case from the gift bag with his name on.  
A stillness fell over the group as they watched Klaus. He was entranced by his gift, silent and almost reverent. It was very not Klaus. He flipped the latch with his thumb. His long fingers traced the layers that opened up, unfolding and stacking one top of each other like a staircase. It was a make-up case. Lots of the sections had already been filled, mostly with eye products but some lipsticks and skin care too. They were all package fresh versions of his favorites: pencils, gels and powders that he had initially inherited from Allison or borrowed from a lover over the years and had become his first choice when he went shopping (or more commonly shop-lifting) to replenish his supply.

With each drawer he opened Klaus found it harder to see what was inside, a mist of tears was clouding his vision. Whoever had put this together knew him. They knew him really well. The style of the exterior was flamboyant, the inside black with an intense quality, every item was one he would have chosen for himself. He couldn’t believe anyone cared about him enough to do this.

As he opened a small locked compartment in the very center, beneath the vanity at the core of the piece, Klaus gasped. Inside were all his sobriety chips; mostly silver 24hr tokens, a few of the red coins marking 30 days and a single green, propped on top, marking the pinnacle of abstinence he’d managed, in this timeline at any rate. Behind the chips, Dave’s dog tags took pride of place, delicately pinned to the side. His most prized possessions, usually hidden inside a cereal box on the top shelf of a cupboard, in a locked room in an abandoned wing of the house, had been polished and given a new place to be. This was still private but more dignified than the only place Klaus had found the strength to put them. He looked up at the brother for whom a locked door would pose no impediment, but didn’t trust himself to speak. Five just nodded to him and picked up his own gift, moving the attention away from Four, who for once was grateful to be unseen.


	3. Gift Exchange 5,6,7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The higher numbers get to open their gifts

When the names were drawn for birthday presents, Five’s was the one person most siblings had been relieved not to get. Vanya, however, had quite enjoyed the challenge. Five treated her more like an equal than he did the others, even before he knew she had powers. That was a puzzle she’d never quite been able to solve, but she thought it must say something about him. Maybe it was that he’d read her book about feeling completely isolated whilst he was the last man on earth and he’d empathized with her. Maybe he recognized the ball of anger that she kept bubbling beneath the surface, barely controlled rage calling out to a kindred spirit. Maybe they just had more similar interests than the others.

Vanya hoped she wasn’t being arrogant to think that that last explanation was the most likely. He had always loved classical music even as a child, and it didn’t seem to be a faux intellectualism but genuine enjoyment. He would listen to Vanya play as long as he wasn’t observed doing so.

The others were always trying to figure out Five like he was a cypher, like he wasn’t the only one of all of them that was exactly who he appeared to be. Maybe not to the world, who had no idea what this “fourteen-year-old” was truly capable of, but to the family. He was a man who had seen too much, at too young an age, and consequently grown up brutal but strangely childlike even ignoring his physical appearance. He was a man who knew controlled violence solved most problems, whatever the world might tell you, but truly wanted to minimize suffering. He was a man whose love for his family kept him going through the destruction of everything he knew, even though he sometimes hated them. And rather than try to reconcile these contradictions within himself, he was a man who went with the flow and adapted. For all people treat him like there’s an endgame he’s just not got round to telling them yet, for all that he’s capable of comprehending the ideas so complex they gave most people a headache, Vanya suspected he was the simplest of all them.

So, she took Five at exactly face value. She listened to what he said and simply got him an answer to the complaint he raised the most often. Which is how Five found himself unwrapping a slimline espresso maker and a huge bag of coffee beans the beaded gentleman in the shop had sworn had the best flavor profile available in the USA.

Five blinked. Then he laughed. Then he grumbled “Finally, I might get a decent coffee around here.” Vanya breathed a sigh of relief that she’d read this right and settle into her chair as Five set about reading the instruction manual.

  
  


The extent to which Klaus had been improving his ability to manifest Ben was not known in the wider family. Ben had suggested they practice in private or with strangers to put less pressure on Klaus, and Klaus loved him for it. Making it possible for people to perceive Ben was now something he could do fairly easily, as long as he was sober which he mostly was these days. Making him corporeal took much more effort. So, when it came to Six’s turn to open his present the rest of his siblings turned to Klaus, expecting him to reveal the gift for him and translate his response. Klaus sat up and shook his head clear instead. He tried not to be distracted as delighted gasps rang out around him; they still weren’t used to seeing Ben. It wasn’t enough, today he would do better. When Klaus brought his brother into the physical world it was tiring; it made him feel like he was looking at the world backwards through a telescope, but he could do it. He would do it. He loved him dammit.

Ben realized what Klaus was up to when he felt the draught on his arm and immediately tried to calm the cacophony of his siblings greeting him to keep the room calm for Klaus. He laughed and gave everyone a personal “Happy Birthday” Then, when Diego offered to open his present for him Ben smiled and, like a magician revealing a trick, lifted it from the pile.

The room erupted and Klaus almost lost control for a moment, but the beam on Ben’s face held him in the moment well enough amongst the cacophony of a family hugging their brother for the first time in seventeen years.

“Klaus and I have been practicing” Ben explained with a shrug, “we’ll tell you about it later”

He moved his hands over the paper, reveling in the smooth feel. Pulling it back he saw a small tablet. It was shaped like an iPod, but with a keypad at the bottom. The label identified it as a VICTOR Stream. If he hadn’t known that Klaus was indeed responsible for Diego’s gift of a porn subscription he would have assumed it was from him: Who else knew he could press buttons? His confusion must have shown on his face, because as he looked up at the five waiting faces he could instantly tell that this was from Diego. Ben had become excellent at interpreting the tiniest of shifts in expression over his years of being dead. People guarded their feelings less when they didn’t know they were being watched. Diego thought Ben didn’t like his gift, and he was a little hurt by that, but he was more than a little annoyed with himself for not doing better.

“What is it?” Ben asked the room at large. He wasn’t expecting an answer, just wanted to let Diego know he hadn’t rejected it, he just didn’t understand it yet. He turned the box over and began to read the details on the back. It was an e-reader designed for the visually impaired. For a brief, ridiculous moment Ben thought Diego had got completely the wrong end of the stick and thought that because people couldn’t see Ben, he couldn’t see other things.

Once his rational mind caught up, he recognized that even Diego couldn’t be that stupid. Then he saw the note:

“So you don’t need someone else to turn the pages. Go to the courtyard for the whole surprise”

And then Diego got all the satisfaction he needed from Ben’s face as the pieces clicked together. He hadn’t known Ben could press the buttons, but he had known Ben could speak. Turning the device on Ben saw it already had loads of his favourite books downloaded. He could listen to them without ever needing to interact with the physical world, without needing Klaus.

“It says go to the courtyard”

“Ok, let’s go”

“Uuugh! Do we have to? I’m comfy!” Klaus earned himself a metaphorical dagger from Diego’s eyes. He sighed and clambered up to his feet before it could become a literal one. Ben cast his eyes at his medium, worried Klaus might be tiring, this was about the time they usually gave up on the corporeal experiments. He was surprised when he was met with a smile, one of happiness rather than the sarcastic perma-smirk he was used to. Klaus seemed… in control. There were tears drying in the corner of his eyes but he had a second wind. Ben led the way through the eternally dingy corridors to the courtyard exit, clutching his present to his chest.

It was crisp outside, fall hanging lightly in the air as the sunlight dappled the cold stone. Klaus shivered theatrically. His body lacked any warming fat and was altogether too scantily clad for this weather. He redoubled his efforts to concentrate on pulling back the veil. Ben noticed the subtle shift in his brother and offered his gift to Vanya, hoping to avoid dropping it onto the hard floor if he became nebulous again without warning. He scanned the open space, looking for anything here that could possibly be a counterpoint to an e-reader. Diego didn’t mean to give away the surprise, but he was impatient by nature and his eyes flashed to the corner. Ben followed their trajectory. He was looking at the pedestal which had once held the statue of himself before Luther had brought it crashing down with a misplaced punch. The dedication was still there, but instead of a soulless stone imitation of his body, a warning carved to horrify his siblings, a wooden structure had been erected. It spread out slightly, elegant carving along the edge of the varnished timber. It looked like a treehouse that had aged with time, or a tiny shed brought into being by an artist. Walking around it in a wide arc, Ben pushed the door open and stared at the interior. The pedestal itself had been made into a seat. The fabric and cushions that turned it into a padded bench had clearly been taken from some of the old furnishings they were clearing out of the house, but the effect was to make the space feel cozy and warm. The interior was suddenly bathed in a low orange glow as someone (Diego) pressed a switch on the wall and electricity flowed. The was a socket above a shelf to let Ben leave his reader charging too.

“Wow, Ben. This is perfect. This is how we should have remembered you the whole time” Vanya had quietly moved to stand by his side, peering into through the door, the room not large enough to take two adults standing upright in comfort.

Ben put his arm around his sister, dreading when he would lose the ability to feel the warmth of her all too soon.

“You can use anytime you like, Van, if you recommend me some good books”

Vanya laughed, “Deal” She said

“Shall we go open yours, now?”

He led her back across the courtyard, worried that the others would do their usual and lose focus before giving Vanya her fair share of the limelight. As they crossed Diego’s path he looked up at him, his eyes were gleaming with pride. Ben smiled at him and continued towards the house. He found it hilarious how unreadable everyone thought Diego was. The scowl fooled most people because they didn’t look past it to his eyes, but not Ben. Ben could read him like a book.

Ben was still lightly chuckling at his own accidental pun as they crossed over the threshold and he caught sight of a small bead of sweat rolling down Klaus’ cheek. He sighed. A small tiny selfish part of him wanted to let Klaus keep trying until he couldn’t keep him solid any longer, to ring out every last sensation in case he never got this again. But Ben was never a selfish person and his brother may end up unwell if he pushed himself too far. As they all settled back down, mostly in the same positions as before, he cleared his throat.

“I know we’re not supposed to guess who our presents are from until the end, but I think I know, and I also want to give them a proper thank you whilst I can. Diego?”

“What?”

“Did you get mine?”

“How did you guess man? I thought I’d throw you off the scent with all that nerd shit!”

“Nerd shit? You did some carpentry and electrics!”

Everyone laughed, although Luther bristled slightly at the (correct) implication that he couldn’t do woodwork. Ben crossed the circle and stood awkwardly in front of Diego, shifting his weight between his feet, not sure how to proceed. Diego stood so they were more on a level

“Thank you.” Ben said “It’s perfect, I know it’s not easy to buy for a ghost, I don’t know how to say thanks”

Diego just shook his head and grasped bens forearm, pulling him in for a hug. He clasped his other hand on the back of Bens head, holding tightly. Ben felt remarkably small, even though his inexplicably aged up body was not that much shorter than Diego’s. He leaned into his shoulder and just enjoyed being touched for a while, then steadied himself and pulled away.

“I’m ready Klaus”

Klaus exhaled for the first time in a while and put him tongue up onto his lip, relaxing the tension from his shoulders. He smiled gratefully at Ben, who responded with a sad smile that, once again, only Klaus could see.

An uneasy silence settled on the room again. Even knowing that Ben was still able to see and hear them his sudden absence made the air feel heavy.

Diego wrestled with a knot of anger in his stomach. He glared at Vanya. He knew to blame her was irrational. He knew that Klaus’ abilities had a time limit. He knew he hadn’t let Ben go so Vanya could open her present but he still wanted to blame her out of spite. There was something caustic in Diego that always wanted to make his pain someone else’s problem, and as everyone else turned to watch Vanya perform the seventh and final unwrapping he thought of several jibes about her wanting attention and jumping into Ben’s grave that ranged from biting to downright cruel. He swallowed all of them. He was trying to be less of an asshole.

Vanya never knew how she felt about having her sibling’s attention. Being ignored for so long had made her crave to be noticed but often once she was she missed being incognito. She felt Ben’s loss too, he was the sweetest kindest thing. But now everyone was looking at her with a fake smile trying not to make her feel second best, they were all still desperately trying to make up for an entire childhood’s isolation. Vanya plastered a smile on her own face and resolved to just enjoy her moment without throwing a tantrum over perceived slights. She was trying to be less of an asshole.

Vanya’s was by far the most intricately gift-wrapped of all the presents; a large patterned box tied with ribbon and bows, overflowing with gold-leaf tissue and shredded paper to cushion the contents. And if the high-brow presentation hadn’t let everyone know this was the work of Allison, the gifts removed any doubt. Vanya’s hands disappeared briefly then reemerged holding a book, a toiletry set and something made from wood, metal and string. She took each part of the gift in turn, first focusing on the lotions and pampering items. She had to assume that it was an expensive brand, the packaging looked sophisticated and the items were all far too small. Vanya had a couple of companies whose products she used because they didn’t upset her skin, this wasn’t one of them. She uncapped on of the bottles and inhaled. It did smell nice. Patchouli and mandarin the label said, it was sweet without being sickly. The book was some new-age hippy shit that was popular in L.A. she imagined. A mindfulness and self-actualization journal. It had things to read and activities to do to help with anger management and feelings of powerlessness- in every pastel shade you could think of! The bundle of materials turned out to be a wind-chime.

It wasn’t that Allison knew she was being condescending. She never tried to make people feel small. On the contrary, what she wanted more than anything was to lift them up, especially her sister. The problem was always getting her own way, molding people as she saw fit, had left Allison ill-equipped to deal with people who were different from her, and she and Vanya were vastly different. So Vanya knew that Allison hadn’t meant her gifts to say “I’m still worried you might kill us all, so relax and let me fix you, sis” but that’s what she was hearing. Loud and clear. Or maybe she was being over-sensitive again. Not an asshole V, come on, you can do it.

“Thanks, they’re beautiful, that scent is amazing”

See, that wasn’t so hard was it. And as long as they didn’t set of her eczema the creams really would feel great.

Klaus was shuffling side to side on the couch, impatient. With the second skin of corduroy flairs he was sporting the friction warmed his ass very quickly, had anyone every started a fire with clothing on furniture?

Allison noticed his restlessness and adopted her motherly voice;

“Shall we guess who had who then? Luther?”

“Oh, yeah, erm.. Klaus?”

“Not guilty, amigo!”

“Shit guess, big guy” Diego was always ready to point out when Luther failed at something “it’s obvious, mine was from Klaus”

Klaus put his finger on his nose and pointed at Diego.

“I didn’t know, it was clothes, I guessed” Luther huffed, “ok, Allison?”

Klaus cut her off before she could answer, “Hey, hey hey! Nuh-uh chum! You don’t get to guess again until we’ve all had a turn!”

Klaus’ insistence on sticking to the rules of parlor games had always been an incongruous quirk in a boy, and later a man, who spent pretty much all his time flouting all etiquette and laws he could. It also didn’t extend to remaining honest himself when cards or boardgames were involved. But try to accept “Towing” instead of “Tow-truck” in Pictionary and all hell would break loose.

“Well, my turn then” Allison said, keen to move the topic along. “Vanya?”

Vanya shook her head, surprising no one, not even Allison. She would often put artificial distance between herself and Luther; it was as obvious to her as everyone else who had provided the earrings.

Klaus and Five had already exchanged silent acknowledgement, but repeated it verbally to keep the others in the loop. Five had of course worked out that his coffee maker was from Vanya. He probably knew exactly who had got who before they opened any presents but for once he wasn’t showing off about his intellect.

“Mines from Diego!” Ben shouted.

“Fucks sake, calm down we know!” Klaus rolled his eyes at what appeared to be an empty space by Luther’s side.

“I jut want to be involved”

“uuuugh, fine. Everyone, Ben wants to guess Diego, again”

Diego needed no encouragement to wind Klaus up and so responded as though this was the first time he’d been asked.

“Yeah, its me, how’d you guess?!” Working from where Klaus had been hurling his insults, he tried to look Ben in the eye, and got eerily close. If this were a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey type party he’d probably have won.

“Tell him his eyes go wide like a cartoon deer when he’s trying to look nonchalant.”

“I am not saying that! He’ll hit me!”

“What did he say?” Diego asked. Klaus ignored him.

“So that leaves Luther and Allison still to guess. With gifts from Luther and Ben still unclaimed, so unless you are perfectly stupid or Luther did a particularly good job of buying himself some decent clothes finally, I think we can conclude the guessing?”

Luther turned to his left, but his gaze remained several inches above Ben’s head as he thanked him.

“Well, I helped, could even say I was the fashion consultant” Klaus muttered. Luther ignored him in favor of a kiss on the cheek from Allison. Klaus rolled his eyes again.

“Sooooo, drinks? 1pm’s not too early right?”


	4. Pre-Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course Klaus' plans for a bit night include binge drinking. Unfortunately Luther doesn't even make it out of the academy.

The day of the Hargreeves siblings thirty-first birthday passed by in a lazy haze. The unforeseen side-effect of having Klaus in charge of planning was that it never occurred to him to think of anything for the daylight hours. Time was always kind of wobbly in his head and he’d sort of assumed everyone would go from opening presents to getting dressed and eating ready to pre-game in the evening. He had made a pained noise and mimed being sick when Diego told him he would need twenty minutes, “tops” to change and that would include a shower.

“Ugh, straight men are animals”

So it had been a quiet sort of afternoon. Which, if they were all honest with themselves, was quite nice really. It hadn’t occurred to Klaus people would eat between breakfast and drunken pizza either, so lunch was potato chips and M&Ms and peanut butter sandwiches and anything else they could raid from the kitchen. Diego had eaten an entire packet of plain chicken pieces from the fridge whilst Luther went through several packets of Kraft Mac’n’cheese.

Klaus had insisted his being in charge extended to the TV remote. He flicked through all 450 channels twice before settling on ## then getting bored before the first advert break and turning his back on it to chat with Allison. Five wasn’t allowed to switch to a documentary about the future of AI though.

Just being in each other’s presence without an agenda made for better conversation than their usual meet ups. Friendly enquires into their lives had always been treated as interrogations and met with a stone wall of silence. Even Klaus, who normally wouldn’t shut up about parts of his past most people would hide, became surly when directly probed. Secretive by nurture, The Umbrella Academy fell back on their instincts when questioned; evade, resist, escape. When they were just shooting the shit like this though, little bits of information were freely offered and accepted without acknowledgment. Slowly, the blurry images of their years apart were coming into focus as they got to know each other all over again.

The time passed quickly without anything much happening until 6pm when Klaus bolted upright from his extended sprawl, whacking his hand off Vanya as he did so, and shouted

“BITCH ON A BICYCLE!”

Diego had a knife in hand and was coiled ready to pounce within a second. Five similarly took on a battle-ready stance, although it was difficult to tell what exactly changed in his posture as he did so. Allison looked around, trying to identify what had riled Klaus.

“What? What is it”

“I’m late! I had such an elaborate look planned for tonight, it’s gonna be a real bitch to get fully decorated in two hours”

“You son-of-a bitch! I thought something bad had happened!” Diego growled.

Luther looked confused, more than annoyed

“How can it take you two hours to get ready if you already know what you’re going to wear? Don’t you just, like, put it on?”

Klaus didn’t respond, he just looked at Allison, his eyes seeming to convey both pity and disappointment, like not having educated Luther on such things was akin to having a dog that she let crap on her carpet.

“Anyway” Luther added, having looked at the clock “you must have more than two hours. Or are we going to the club at 8pm?”

“We most certainly are not you neanderthal!” Klaus almost shrieked at the suggestion. “But I want everyone downstairs in the kitchen at eight so we can pre-game a little with some cocktails I’m making! We’re gonna have a RAGERRR!!!”

Ben must have said the point the rest of them were thinking about seven people being the smallest rager in history because, whilst the room remained entirely silent to them, Klaus harumphed loudly at the empty chair and said “Fine, you pedantic poltergeist, not a rager! We’ll have a family gathering where we get pissed in the kitchen to save money, happy!”

Ben flickered into life just in time for everyone to see him fold his arms and say “Very” with a sassy grin. Klaus continued reproaching him, without acknowledging his new opaque state.

“Now, you can stay here with the rest of the plebians and order the pizza whilst we…” He delicately held out his hands to his sisters on either side “..go and class up the party”

Klaus stood and gathered his new make-up case to his chest, as delicately as one might hold a baby, then said “Lets go girls!” in his best Shania Twain voice.

Five, hands in his pockets, called after Klaus before he reached the door.

“You want to rely on Luther and Diego reaching a mutual decision on toppings for our birthday meal? Is that the most prudent decision”

“I’m sure you can keep them in line, tough guy! Remember, kitchen at eight, looking sharp. DO NOT BE LATE! And Diego!”

Number two looked up.

“If I see you in leather pants and a turtleneck I will cancel your porn subscription, so help me Satan!”

Diego waved him away impatiently. Once it was just the four of them he spoke, gruffly.

“None of you better want anchovies.”

* * *

At 7.40 Luther suggested they should probably go and get ready. Diego shrugged but stood up and made to head to the bedrooms anyway. Five surmised that Diego had been waiting for Luther to make the suggestion as some sort of internal one-upmanship; to prove he didn’t care more about his appearance than Luther did. The number of things Diego could find to be competitive about never ceased to amaze him.

“What about you guys?” Diego asked, when Ben and Five made no move to stand.

“Well I’m not going out” Five answered him in the voice that Diego hated, the one that sounded like he was explaining things to a small child. “So I don’t need to change, and I’m making an assumption that Ben won’t be either”

“Nah, I’m thinking of going in my jeans, hoody and leather jacket” Ben said, adjusting his unchanging clothing “The look works for me, you know?”

As much as Diego hated it when Five was sarcastic he was incapable of being mad at Ben, so he let the whole thing slide. He agreed to meet them in the kitchen and left, taking the stairs two at a time as he raced Luther to get ready.

* * *

It was 8.15 and midway through their second game of checkers by the time Ben and Five were joined in the kitchen by Luther. He was wearing the smarter of the two new shirts Ben had bought him and it did a good job of hiding anything obviously _inhuman_ about his body. It couldn’t hide his size and shape obviously but he must have been reasonably happy with his appearance; he was walking normally, without the stoop he had when trying to hide from the world.

Diego came down only a minute or two later, opening the door slightly too forcefully as though he had been rushing. Fives eyes blinked as he took in Diego’s appearance.

“What?” Diego demanded

“You don’t have to get defensive Diego, I just forget you own other items of clothing sometimes – you look smart”

Unsure what to do with a seemingly sincere compliment Diego closed his mouth. He decided to keep to himself the information that he had actually bought the shirt specifically for this night out. The jeans he was wearing were still black, but they were a slimmer cut than the ones he sometimes wore when his leather was in the wash. He had a grey stonewashed button up with short sleeves on top, and brown boots. The lines of his stubble were neater than they had been when he went upstairs, and as he came to sit at the table with the others Five caught a light citrus scent that smelt more expensive than his usual drug store aftershave.

“Trust Klaus to be late for his own party” Diego grumbled, but the others could tell he wasn’t annoyed. He went to the fridge and stood just staring at the contents for a while.

“Hey, the pizza will be here in a few minutes!” Luther said

“Not to mention you’ll ruin the internal temperature if you keep the door open like that” Five complained without actually looking at Diego.

“I take it neither of you want a beer then” Diego kept his voice artificially flat as he pouted at them. Luther looked sheepish and thanked him. Five refused to be reproached and replied that actually, he would. Diego threw a can at each of them and then took a bottle of a protein enhanced fruit smoothie for himself. He paused with his hand on the door and looked quizzically at Ben.

“Can you drink?”

“I can when I’m solid” Ben said “But not right now”

To demonstrate he pushed his hand through the table in front of him. Diego glanced at the checkers board and Ben seemed to pre-empt his question.

“Fives been moving my pieces.”

The was a shout from Luther as he opened the fizzed up can and got beer in his face. Ben ignored him and continued musing on his interdimensional state.

“I don’t know what happens to food and drink once I dematerialize, and it kind of freaks me out a bit, because they don’t appear on the floor or anything, but I shouldn’t be able to take physical things from the real world into the dead, because that’s like destroying matter, and that’s against the most fundamental laws of nature.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it, buddy, we’ve messed up a lot of fundamentals in our time” Diego said. Ben smiled at him.

They talked about less existential things for a while, then were joined by Vanya, dressed in an outfit not dissimilar to Diego’s, although her boots had higher heels and her shirt was brighter. Klaus had clearly got his way and managed to put some makeup on her but it was muted and not out of place like the dramatic styles he’d practiced on her as a teen. She came up behind Ben and moved one of his pieces to take one of Five’s. Five bared his teeth at her.

“Sorry I’m late, I think Klaus and Allison might still be a while but I was in danger of being forced into a dress if I stayed up there much longer” She chuckled. “They’ve opened a bottle of wine”

“Don’t worry about it” Luther answered on behalf of all of them as Diego silently offered her a beer. She gratefully accepted.

They’d all finished their first and second drinks and were nearly done with the whisky they’d then poured themselves by the time Klaus descended to join them, with Allison on his arm, a full hour after the deadline he’d set. The room was filled with a warm buzz, the others talking to each other in a slightly raised volume as they felt the effects of the alcohol. It didn’t matter, any room in the world would have gone silent as the visions of numbers Three and Four entered.

Allison was stunning as always. She was wearing a red dress that showed of her curves making Luther’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. Her hair was parted differently and a sliver of silver ran through it, catching the light and turning her into a bright spot in the room.

Klaus was something else. Everyone who was attracted to men, and a not insubstantial number of people who aren’t would agree that Klaus always looked good. He was beautiful. His eyes and lips could have been plucked from a pin up, his hair lush, his body somehow strong and masculine whilst languid and soft, inviting touches. He knew it and he always dressed to show of these attributes. But if you took most of his outfits and put them on someone else they would look messy, like someone had stolen them from a thrift store whilst high. Which often was the case. It worked because it was Klaus under the material.

Tonight though. Tonight he looked… Regal. His choker and his top were one and the same. A high collar from which hung waves of rich black fabric, tapering down to a point at the center of his abs. The sleeves were short caps which blended into the edge making him look like he’d simply thrown a cape over his shoulders and the whole thing was covered in beading that made him dazzle under the lights, even brighter than Allison. His black trousers were skin-tight until below the knee then adorned with gold beaded fringe. He wore platforms which made him even more willowy. He was probably now closer in height to Luther than Diego. He’d done something different with his makeup which made his eyes shine out of his face like emeralds, and a warm rose colored his lips. A golden circlet rested on his curls from which hung a monocle. Diego grinned when he saw that touch.

Ben wolf whistled. The lightheartedness of the response surprised everyone who still felt solemn at Ben’s return, but Klaus loved it and did an appreciative curtsey.

“Glad you decided to join us” Diego knew Klaus would be fishing for compliments from each of them and was keen to move the conversation along.

“Worth the wait though, don’t you think?” Klaus fished, gliding into the chair opposite.

“You look stunning, Klaus” Vanya gasped.

“Very pretty” Five agreed.

There was a knock at the back door by the deli counter and Diego stood in silence to pay for the Pizzas.

Allison patted Klaus’ shoulder “He knows you look good, honey, he’s just being silly and macho about it”

Diego had somehow managed to carry three extra-large pizzas in one hand, allowing him to grab a slice from the top box with the other and shovel it into his face, which prevented him from snapping anything back at his sister. He settled for an eye-roll whilst Klaus moved to grab several bottles of spirits from a bag on the counter and reposition himself at the head of the table.

“Now some of us” He smiled warmly at Alison, then gestured rather less warmly to Diego, “Are very familiar with how to run a pre-game, whilst others of us” He stared rather pointedly at Five and Luther “are sadly lacking in experience. But don’t worry. Think of me as your guru, because tonight, we are going on a spiritual journey brothers and sisters. Tonight, we will unwind the years and have the irresponsible bonding experiences that siblings like us should have had a long time ago. Tonight…, pause for dramatic effect…”

-“Did you just say Pause for dramatic effect”

“Shhh! Tonight.... WE GET KRUNK!”

Suddenly music blared throughout the kitchen and for a second it seemed Klaus was actually magic until it became clear that his accomplice Allison had clicked something on her phone. He giggled and jumped onto the table to explain the rules of the first game.

* * *

Diego was the undefeated champion at flip cup meaning he was considerably more sober than everyone else by the time they’d moved on, which suited him just fine. Luther’s unremitting self-belief cost him, as he not only had to drink for all his losses but also for his extremely unwise bets on himself.

The even siblings won the boat race easily, despite both having to drink twice to make up for their smaller team and Ben’s lack of a physical stomach. Ben had suggested they simply pour the drink through him but even Klaus had to accept that would be cheating.

Klaus had made up some random and bizarre rules which basically amounted to doing what he said when he said it and were definitely just to get his siblings to look silly for his own amusement. Luther and Five were the big losers there too, being reluctant to make themselves look silly for anything. Luther’s thinking on that was beginning to evolve as he felt the room swaying. Five simply got more belligerent as he got drunker.

After everyone had ridden the bus a few times, Klaus called for attention.

“Right, I think we’re all far enough on our merry way now. Never have I ever!”

This instruction was met by a mutual groan and one lonely whoop from Ben.

“Hey, hey, hey! What happened to the no complaining rule!” Klaus demanded from the five unenthusiastic figures around the table. Allison sighed and poured herself another large glass of margarita mix, accepting defeat. Five smiled sarcastically, his face screwing up and creating impossibly deep dimples.

Diego was the only one who still had the energy to put up a fight. And even his resolve was weak.

“You will just use this as an excuse to target us all, gossip, and share as many disturbing stories from your past as possible”

“I’m glad you’ve grasped the concept of the game Didi. Whatsamatter? You scared? What naughty little secrets are you hiding, huh?”

Diego sighed, shook his head and gestured for Klaus to continue. “Whatever you say birthday boy”

After a quick rule refresher and a top up of everyone’s glass, they all actually enjoyed the first few rounds. It hadn’t taken Diego long to become as competitive about this as he was about all games- even if he didn’t know how you won exactly.

“Never have I ever got drunk when I was supposed to be trying to prevent an apocalypse” he challenged, causing everyone but himself, Ben and Vanya to drink.

Somehow Luther was still getting the worst end of the drinking, despite his sheltered upbringing. He’d been caught out by “Never have I ever peed in the shower to save time” “Never have I ever taken Molly” and “Never have I ever eaten leftover food from another person in a restaurant” It wasn’t a coordinated effort to target him, but his increasingly furious accusations of bullying made it hard not to take your turn with him in mind. His eyes drooped and his face looked like a caricature of himself as he got more and more wound up. 

“Never have I ever slept with a woman!” Shouted Ben, only to find that he got everyone but himself. Klaus found that hilarious. He gave him a piggy-back around the room as a victory lap which stopped Ben from lingering too long on embarrassment or envy. That put a stop to the sexual line of questioning, so naturally Klaus got bored soon after and changed the game once more. He produced two dice from his purse and set up twelve glasses on the table. There was no skill to this game. No scandal revealed, it purpose seemed to be to get everyone as drunk as possible. Klaus was particularly focused on Diego and Five, who he deemed to be merely tipsy and not “appropriately fucked up.” He even joined the chorus trying to keep Luther away from the imaginatively named “Dice Cups.” It didn’t work. Diego’s eyes weren’t quite as sharp as normal but he was still with it enough to notice that the pink dice were from a couple’s sex game and had just had numbers written over them in Sharpie. He was possibly manipulating the trajectory of the dice to get softer options. Luther, meanwhile, had only made it two turns in when the evening caught up with him. He started making a loud retching.

“Well, I think that’s my cue to leave” Five said, gathering his tumbler of whiskey.

“There’s no way he’s getting into a cab like this” said Diego, poking Luther’s hunched form with his foot. “Let alone a club”

“Allison!” Luther cried, leaning onto her “I’m -hic- sorry. Don’t let me ruin your party”

Allison smiled, though she pulled back from his breath with a huff. “I wasn’t actually planning too, you great idiot”

“Are we leaving him?” Vanya asked.

“I mean. I have just ordered the Uber” Klaus replied.

Everyone sort of shrugged and hoped someone else would make the final call. In the end Five saved them all from being selfish out loud by rematerializing in the room with a pop and walking over to Luther.

“I’ve got him, go on”

Klaus’ eyes brightened and he kissed Five on both cheeks.

“You heard the man party people, operation 31 is still on, everyone have a piss and get ready, Jorge will be here in 6 minutes!”

And, for the first time in a long time, the Umbrella academy actually managed to make a deadline. When Klaus’ phone buzzed a few short minutes later they all filed out behind him into the car, without a single delay. Taking the seat beside the driver and requesting radio privileges *which were granted, good rating for Jorge coming up) Klaus was more excited for the night ahead than he wanted to let on. He glanced out of the window as the engine started up.

Five stood in the doorway, the corners of his lips just twitching with amusement as he watched them scurry down the steps at the front of the grounds and into the uber. He waved them off with his right hand, his left down by his side and holding the edge of a bucket. Luther was a crumpled mess at his feet, his head barely visible as he thrust his face over the rim, dryly heaving.

“Have a great night” Five called out.


	5. Xs and Ohs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the club, Klaus and the others are enjoying their birthday- until they aren't.   
> Their night out takes a turn when they are interrupted by a face from Diego's past.

Number Four was on cloud nine.

When they’d arrived, Klaus had a whispered conversation with a doorman he seemed to know well, paid for entry for the four visible guests (with Allison’s money) and led the group of five into the warren-like depths of the club. He’d taken them up a staircase, along a corridor where the wall was vibrating with bass, and up a second flight to his chosen destination.

Now he was spinning slowly on the spot, looking up at the patterns blazing across the vaulted roof in wonder as golden confetti rained on his face. Klaus had never felt like the Umbrella Academy was home, had never stayed anywhere else for long enough to think of it that way. Here, on the dancefloor of the throwback pop room, accepted by everyone, surrounded by beautiful things- surrounded by his family- this was as close to a home as he had ever had.

Klaus started as an unexpected touch brought him out of his reverie. He opened his eyes and saw Ben smiling at him, but his hands were in his pockets, and the fingers resting on his arm were paler and more slender than his ghostly brothers.

“Come on, Klaus. Diego’s almost finished at the bar”

Vanya tugged at his elbow, encouraging him to follow her back away from the dancefloor to where Diego and Alison where collecting drinks for them all. She headed off without checking he was following and her stride seemed more confident. Klaus smiled at the thought that Vanya felt at home here too.

Diego handed over two drinks to Alison, who carried them over to a nearby table with five chairs waiting by it. Then Klaus watched him hand over a folded bill and say something to the barman which drew a warm laugh and earned him a wink alongside the glass of soda water that completed the order. Diego picked up two ridiculously over garnished cocktail glasses and balanced the final drink between them, supported by his his free fingers, before making his way to the same table. He was surefooted despite the haphazard way he was laden. Klaus glanced back at the bar and saw that the bartender was still watching Diego’s ass as he walked away. Hmm, he hadn’t foreseen that. He was used to collecting lustful glances on nights like this; he hoped he wasn’t going to have to share his admirers with his brother who wouldn’t even notice- never mind appreciate- them. That would be tragic!

Diego laid out the drinks on the table. One of the brightly colored fruity concoctions was for Klaus, of course, but he was surprised when Diego took the other. Alison had a wine, Vanya a beer and the soda water he had assumed was Diego being boring went in front of a currently empty chair. His brother’s way of reminding everyone about Ben’s presence and keeping him included, even though he wouldn’t be able to drink it. Diego was shockingly thoughtful for such a stubborn ox, sometimes. Klaus peeked over his shoulder to make sure there were no eyes on them, thankfully Diego’s admirer was busy serving other customers, he couldn’t see anyone else watching and let Ben flicker into the visual spectrum. He missed the half-greetings the others gave Ben as he looked around to check his appearance had gone unnoticed. Klaus chuckled to himself as he realized he rarely looked this shifty even when buying drugs or building up to a theft.

“You know I won’t be able to drink this, right?” Ben waved his hand through the glass to demonstrate “Not that I’m not grateful”

“Sounds kind of ungrateful to me” Diego grumbled, but his voice was peppered with amusement. “Don’t sweat it, I’ll have it when I’m done with this one, I’m trying to keep a vaguely clear head”

“Boooooo!” Klaus heckled “Booooooooooring!”

“You should keep one too, if we want Ben to be here for his whole birthday”

“Oh please, I’m more than capable of keeping his pretty face around, its physicality that gets difficult. As long as he doesn’t try to pull were fine! The poor bloke might be surprised if he tries to get a handful” And to demonstrate Klaus put his hand through Bens crotch and onto the stool, causing Ben to recoil and glare at him.

“How come you can sit on chairs but can’t hold things?” Vanya asked, “How does the physics work?”

Her very valid question was ignored in place of Bens indignation at Klaus’ crude gesture.

“Can you not! Just because you can’t feel my dick doesn’t make it less weird! And you know full well I’m straight!”

“People surprise you sometimes” Klaus said, “Take this one, for example. Dark horse aren’t you, sis? Didn’t read about your sapphic escapades in the gossip columns!”

Alison rolled her eyes. She was surprised it had taken as long as this for her to regret that game of never have I ever.

“I knew being honest with that game was a bad idea”

“Spill” Klaus demanded.

“There’s not much to say about it, honestly. It was a one-time thing and it was a long time ago, not long after I moved to L.A. We’re both straight, as far as I know, it was just a thing that happened”

“Just one of those times two straight women have a quick fuck?!”

She sighed “Yes, Klaus. There’s no conspiracy, I’m not secretly bi, it’s just one of those little things life throws at you”

“Come on Klaus, leave it” Diego came to her rescue. Knowing it was far easier to distract Klaus than convince him, he changed the subject.

“How do you sit on chairs?” He demanded of Ben, who shrugged like he had never thought about it. He had of course, with scientific rigor, but the illogical nature of being a ghost didn’t fit any pattern he could find and he’d had to stop ruminating on it to avoid frustration and fury.

The next minutes were filled with theorizing about the chair paradox. No one suggested anything Ben hadn’t already considered and dismissed, apart from Klaus whose ideas were so outlandish that he would never have though of them even if he had thought of nothing else from the day he died into eternity.

Klaus finished his drink and smacked his lips enthusiastically.

“Shots” He decided “Then Dancing”

He hopped down and shimmied to the bar, doing an exceptionally good job of looking like he hadn’t heard Diego’s objections.

“Why did you buy yourself a cocktail if you didn’t want to drink” Allison asked. Internally she cringed a little at her tone. How did she manage to sound like a condescending know-it-all so often when she never meant to be? Diego was grinning though, so maybe it hadn’t sounded as judgy as she thought.

“They were mocktails” He confessed “Notice Klaus didn’t notice though, one of those every few rounds might keep him on an even keel”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t count on that” Said Ben, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb to where Klaus was watching a bartender with a bleached crop pour liquor into a trayful of shot glasses.

“Shit”

Klaus’ return to the table was far less poised than Diego’s had been. Though he attributed that to his footwear. Despite several hairy moments he managed to put the tray down in the center of the circle without spilling more than a drop or two.

“Fuck Klaus, why did you get so many?” Vanya asked.

“Just fifteen, that’s three each!”

“Except Ben can’t drink his three and Diego doesn’t want his three, so that’s five each” Allison clarified, with a droll eyebrow raise.

“Diego will” He said looking at him; receiving a sharp shake of the head and a blunt “I don’t do shots” in return

“Oh, well, never mind” Klaus said, handing one to each of his sisters, who glanced at each other before accepting their mutual destruction and accepting his gifts. He raised his glass to the middle:

“To us! Bottoms up!”

The three of them sank it down. It burnt. Klaus had not forked out for the top shelf product. He immediately quaffed the second shot he had been holding in his other hand like it was a chaser, whilst Allison screwed up her nose recovering from the first. Vanya turned red and coughed, she blinked away moisture from her eyes and her nose began to stream. Klaus picked up a third glass and poked Diego in the pec with it.

“Go on, Didi you know you want to! Be naughty, just once, its less calorific than a cocktail”

“As tasty as Vanya is making it look, I think I’ll pass” Diego said, leaning around Allison to pat his smaller sister on the back. Without further protest Klaus downed it himself. Diego ignored him and chuckled lightly at Vanya whilst rubbing her shoulders, absentmindedly looking over her head at a small group who had just entered the room.

Diego’s eyes widened. Already big they seemed to grow to dominate his face as panic froze his features. He pulled back into his seat and awkwardly turned his entire body one-hundred and eighty degrees so that his shoulders were guarding him from whatever it was that had startled him. He was hunched strangely, like he was trying to disappear completely.

“What are you doing?” Vanya asked, putting her chin on the table so she was on Diego’s eye level.

“I know that guy” Diego said in a conspiratorial tone. He offered no further explanation and didn’t seem in the mood to be asked for one.

Klaus never was one for taking the hint. He craned his neck shamelessly to see who Diego was referring to, then forcefully turned his most recent shot glass upside down on the table, inches from his brother’s face.

“Oh my God, Didi, you don’t have to hide from him! It’s not like he can give you shit about being in the gay bar he’s also currently in! Trust me, out of your usual leather gear no one will mistake you for anything other than a _painfully_ straight man humoring his queer brother & sister!”

Though, now that Klaus thought about it, that probably wasn’t true: Diego’s outfit was nice. Basic. But nice, smart. Not his usual hacker-in-a-basement energy at all.

“That’s not … I’m. That’s not what this is, ok. And he’s gay! I just don’t want to speak to the guy!” Diego huffed.

“Oh. Well I do, he’s kinda cute.”

“Klaus, do NOT go and talk to him”

“Fiiiiine. I won’t go and talk to him”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t need to he’s coming over here. How do I look? Devastating?”

“Shit” Diego groaned as, on his brief glance backwards, he made eye contact with the man now approaching the table.

“Ok, maybe the eyeliner isn’t my best work, but that’s just rude bro!”

Diego did not engage with Klaus’ wordplay. In fact he was staring into space, not engaging with anything. He looked petrified and Allison would have bet good money than Diego would have done anything, literally anything, to have Five’s ability to teleport right now. Everyone stared in disbelief as Diego took one of the remaining shot glasses from the tray and sunk it.

“Hey Hargreeves, long time no see”

The man now standing at Diego’s side was displaying a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He was blonde, average height and lithe. His build was slighter than Diego’s but his muscles were more sharply defined; the contrast suggesting they were for appearances only, not fighting crime or in the ring. Everything about him was clean cut. His hair was neatly clipped round his ears, his jawline sharp, his clothing tailored. He looked like an effigy whose edges had not been sanded and smoothed yet.

Diego didn’t greet him in return and the silence left by that absence stretched awkwardly. Ben shuffled in his seat. The stranger tried again.

“You don’t feel like introducing me, babe?”

Diego and Klaus both seized up at the moniker. A wave of heat was rising up Diego’s neck and cheeks. He refused to meet Klaus’ eye, scared of what he might see there. Klaus meanwhile stared at Diego in incredulity as he blushed deeply. Diego’s sandalwood skin and the half-light of the club hid it well, but Klaus knew his face better and the warm tinge of embarrassment was obvious. Diego didn’t acknowledge the intimacy verbally; he simply performed the requested introduction with as little emotion as possible.

“This is my family: Klaus, Ben, Vanya, Allison, this is Cory Miller”

“Oh my God, Allison Hargreeves! It is so amazing to meet you!” Cory went in for a hug without pausing to see how Allison felt about it then pulled off and continued chatting _at_ her “I was just watching _Harriet_ the other day, so moving. I can’t believe you didn’t get the golden globe” He continued in this vein, like the others weren’t there, as Allison smiled politely. 

“Well, fuck you very much too then” Klaus muttered under his breath, causing Diego to exhale in amusement despite himself and Ben and Vanya to laugh out loud.

The noise reminded their guest of their presence. He opened up his body language to the group, eyes roving over the audience as he addressed Diego.

“So, what are you doing here? Didn’t think this was your scene?”

“It not. But it’s our birthday and the others like it, and I like spending time with them”

Most people would have made an escape in the face of the wall of ice Diego put up, but he needled some more.

“Right, yeah, you’re like quintuplets right? So, what’s new? Still doing the hero thing? Doesn’t being here clash with your office hours?”

“I’m semi-retired”

Klaus’ ears pricked up at that. It wasn’t really noticeable because he’d been tensed like a drawn bow since the word “babe” had dropped, but the list of questions Diego would have to answer once this conversation was over kept growing. When this conversation might be over was anyone’s guess, clearly Diego’s preference would have been for ten seconds ago, but the other man didn’t seem to be leaving any time soon.

“Good, I was always worried you might not know when to call it a day. You know, it seemed to be filling a void, thought you might try and keep going even when you were past it You could always come interview at the agency you know?”

“Thanks, I’m good”

“Ok, offers there, never say I’m bitter. Sounds like you’ve got your life on track, that’s great. Good for you, Didi!”

Diego yanked his torso away from the arm that tried to rest around it. “Don’t call me that” 

“Oh no, I forgot” He said, in a tone that made it obvious he remembered very well “Only your special boy gets to call you that”

Allison, pleasantly fuzzy from the booze, was the only one at the table for whom the penny hadn’t quite dropped. She scoffed; “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, sweetie your brother is a real dirtbag! He always made a fuss about me calling him Didi, like he just didn’t like pet names, _then_ I found out it was just because that’s what his side piece called him! And he would never admit it, even when he’s caught red-handed”

Alison understood then. Diego took another shot and ground his fingers into the table until his knuckles went white.

“That’s not what happened”

“Ok, maybe I was the other man, see, I still don’t know!”

Diego just shook his head. There was an awkward silence around the table and Cory decided to fill it.

“So, we’re in bed one night and he gets like thirty, forty messages back to back, no reply, cus like, he’s busy, if you know what I’m saying!”

Allison glanced at Diego who looked willing to surrender his concept of language altogether if it meant no one at the table knew what Cory was saying.

“Then, like, _the minute_ we’re done he picks his phone up and starts reading through them. So I’ve gotta know who is so interesting that he can’t give a guy a cuddle afterwards, you know? So I take his phone, and the whole chain is just this ratchet looking, thirsty-ass twink being like “Didi, what do you think of my new skirt?” And a slutty selfie. “Didi, why don’t you ever tell me I look pretty?” ”I’m going VIP tonight Didi” “I’m so up right now Didi, you should be dancing with me” On and on. Like, I thought it was funny, I’ve never seen a ho so desperate in my life! “You not gonna party with me Didi?!” “Fine, I don’t need you anyway, I’ve got Ted!” Or someone, I can’t remember. There was even a voice message that was just him screaming Didiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! For -sooo- long.”

Cory didn’t seem to notice the atmosphere around the table becoming increasingly tense. Klaus and Diego making furtive glances at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking; jaws tense, minds racing. Vanya was the only one still looking at him as he spoke. She valiantly tried to look polite but her eyes kept dancing back to the others faces, searching for any sign that things we about to boil over. The monologue continued oblivious to this unenthusiastic audience.

“I was so sure he was gonna laugh, cus like, that’s funny right? No one could be attracted to this desperate trash, it’s hilarious that he didn’t get that he wasn’t wanted. But then this bitch” – here he jerks his thumb at Diego who in return gives him the dirtiest side eye Vanya has ever seen. – “kicks me out of his shithole of an apartment to go pick up this guy! And has the balls to try and say it was “just a friend” and they’d had a medical emergency. Yeah, ok. I guess sometimes you just _medically_ need a desperate tramp with no self-respect to suck your dick. And, then, when I call him out on it the next day, he dumps me for not believing his bullshit”

He was clearly not good at tailoring his stories to his audience. He finished this story with a flourish, his tone interrogating the table; _can you believe this guy_? Relishing this opportunity to reveal Diego as a liar, he must be an only child, Ben thought, or he wouldn’t think he was winning round siblings with this. He seemed to fundamentally misunderstand the silence that followed his rant, taking it to be shock at the described infidelity rather than an uneasy apprehension of the reckoning that would inevitably follow his exit. He had no idea he’d just outed his ex to his family. He rounded the carnage off by focusing solely on Allison again and summing up with a smirk.

“So, sorry, honey boo, I love your movies but your brother is trash!”

“Yeah? How ‘bout you fuck off then and stop interrupting our birthday” There was a new fire in Diego’s face, embarrassment finally giving way to loathing as he met his eyes for the first time. Under the force of that rage, Cory took a step backwards, puffed up self-righteousness deflating a little, before he recovered.

“Yeah, I guess I will. Happy Birthday! Hope you get to stick your dick in some real nice used-up bussy tonight as a special present. See you round, Didi” He took one of the glasses from the rapidly declining supply of shots and walked off, flashing his insincere smile at Allison a final time before leaving.   
  


In the silence that followed it felt like the Hargreeves were breathing for the first time in several minutes. In Diego’s case that may actually have been true. He rubbed his neck with his palm firmly enough that his skin blanched and kept his eyes trained on the surface of the table.

Ben had never seen someone avoid eye contact so ferociously. It was like, suddenly, the child Number Two was sitting in front of him, ashamed and silent. He suspected Diego was calculating the quickest route to the door. Ben was surprised to notice exactly how angry he was. His body didn’t give him the physical clues a living person would get as feedback; he had no heartbeat to race, no blood pressure to raise, his face couldn’t flush but mentally he was furious. How dare that asshole deliberately embarrass Diego?! If his brother ran away from his own birthday party, he would have a hard time not egging Klaus on to start some drama, maybe even a fight.

Diego didn’t run. He looked up, evidently uncomfortable but defiant too.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked

Diego nodded. His lips twitched into a short imitation of a smile, as he span Ben’s soda water with his thumbs. “I swear he didn’t seem like that much of a prick at first”

Ben, Vanya and Allison all laughed stiffly at Diego’s weak attempt at humor. The tension lifted almost imperceptibly, the tight grip around everyone’s chest loosening. It no longer felt like a bomb was about to go off.

Klaus, however, had always been able to explode create explosions from nowhere. He slapped Diego across the face with a crack so loud the bar staff looked up, despite the pounding music. Diego’s water splashed over the table before he righted the glass.

“What the hell!” Diego yelled, rounding on Klaus. His roar of pain lost some of its threatening power when combined with the emotional hurt in his eyes.

Klaus looked hurt too. The sparkle that always warmed his eyes had died out. He looked grey and drawn, suddenly older. He meant his answer to sound like a wisecrack, instead it came out as a grave rebuke

“You liar!” 


End file.
